Brain Trains and Near Death Experiences
Ok so I'm going to start
this sounding a bit crazy, but if you hop on my brain train you will make it to
the end safe and sound!
About 3 weeks ago, Steve and I were talking to a friend about a Vegan-y
diet he was trying and he was losing weight like mad and getting all of his bad
levels into healthy alignment. So I
decided to do some research into eating healthier. Not really going vegan per say just more
natural, less chemically processed, more heavily fruits and veggies based
something. So I've been watching shows
on Netflix like mad, reading books from the library and stuff on the internet
and feeling every so overwhelmed in my hunt to become healthier. So while I was stressing out over a book on
the worlds healthiest foods I got a Dove Dark Chocolate, the little ones in the
red wrapper, out of the freezer and I was kind of catapulted on this unexpected
journey that I'd like you to join me on.
It goes something like this,
I get a bag of Dove Dark Chocolate for every holiday from my kids and they KNOW
they are mine, I love the chocolate but I almost enjoy the little saying inside
the wrapper more. Well this one said
"Calories don't exist unless you count them." I thought yeah right, tell that to my
butt. Then I (being quite literal)
thought what truly doesn't exist if you don't count it? And I realized "Blessings don't exist if
you don't recognize them or count them".
So that stuck in my head for like days...just rolling around and I KNEW
God wanted me to remember that, not just one of those moments where you think..."oh
that's good"...and then you move on with life and totally forget what was
so good about Sunday's sermon. So maybe
a week later I'm on Facebook and I see that one of my friends has recommended a
blog post called 50
Shades of Magic Mike, which is totally worth the read (and I agree although I would be a total
hypocrite if I said I didn't read the books and see the movie.
But it got me thinking, I
wouldn't want my hubby giggling and going on about Magic Missy movies, the
books I'm not 100% sure about for my own reasons. (maybe we'll discuss it later
if you care to ask about it).
So anyway I start looking at
Melissa Jenna's site and I come across this "fast" she is doing of no
makeup for 40
days. She said "I do not like my naked face. I think it is ugly. Showing my naked face in
public terrifies me, and that makes me sad, and I think that is a problem...We
all tell little lies. The biggest lie I tell every day is my face. My face says I’m well-rested
(I’m not), that I’m well-hydrated (I’m not), and that I am poreless, and
without blemishes (I most certainly am not). My face says I’ve got it all
together (I don’t), that I’m not aging (I am), and that being pretty is
effortless (it isn’t. Well, it isn’t for me.). I put so much time and energy
into telling lies with my face, that it’s making me sick. What a complete waste
of time and money, and what a terrible example to set for the women who know
me. And what an affront to the God who created me. "
So where am I in that, I
don't hate my naked face...matter of fact I normally have a naked face cause I
hate putting makeup on. What I do think
is ugly about myself is my naked body, my clothed body, my swimsuit body, my
body when I am walking, sitting, eating, sleeping, and especially my body when
I'm in it.
And this is where it all
comes together my friends. So, I'm sitting at the Y and I see these girls who
are in their mid-teens wearing cute bathing suits like I would have worn at
their age. Nothing skimpy just cute
bathing suits. I can tell by
their behavior that they know they have cute, shapely bodies (fuller not size
nothing) that they feel confident in.
Please do not take this as anything other than young women being
confident, walking with their heads up, their shoulders back, enjoying a
conversation as they walk together around the pool.
Anyway, I realized I was about their size at
that age and I remembered that feeling of not being embarrassed of getting out
of the pool to walk to my towel, of not trying to swim to the nearest ladder to
make sure I had the shortest walk on land, of not even thinking about whether
or not someone would be looking when I took my swim suit cover off when we
first arrived. I was there to swim, to
tan, and to enjoy myself in the body God gave me. And yes, when a cute guy was nearby I did
realize that he would check me out and I was really glad but it really wasn't
about that, it was about me being me. I
didn't ever stop and count myself blessed.
Then life happened and I truly stopped counting my blessings where my
body was concerned and that led to me not taking care of what I didn't
like.
We don't take care of the empty
can our green beans came in, we don't spend time on the used bottle our shampoo
came in, and we really don't pamper the old lawn clippings we cut on
Saturday...we throw them away because we don't value them. And that's what I've been doing with my body,
myself, the blessing God gave me. I have
lied to myself and to everyone else using clothes, hair products, medicine,
makeup, jewelry, food, technology, and everything else around me to make it
appear as though I care about myself but I truly haven't for years.
So here's what I want to do about it. One more brain train and then we'll head to
the depot...I'm floating on my back in the pool looking at the sky, watching
the clouds float around and remembering that moment when I learned to float and
remembering how scared I was that I was going to drowned and that all the
people I thought were supposed to love me were really working together to see
me die a horrible death. They kept
saying it will be ok just let go and breath normally. And I didn't really trust them I just knew
they were going to let go whether I lived or died...so I might as well do what
they said. Well as I was floating I realized that was what God was showing me, I
had to decide to let go and breath normally whether I trusted myself or not
cause I was going to live or die either way, and He was going to be beside me
so the odds were in my favor for success!
I want to learn how to eat right, how to pamper
myself, how to relax my mind, and enrich my spirit all while being a mom, a
homeschooling teacher, a wife, a friend, a REAL, NORMAL, on a budget, sometimes
lazy woman. And this adventure just
might include a leg shaving fast!!
So if you want to be a part of my journey...come float with me, if not I hope you forget to breath normally and you're in the deep end.
FYI: ! This is not a cry for help or a play for
niceties about me. I am emotionally
happy and whole and secure in who I am and God's love for me. This is strictly about my distorted view of
my physical body and what I have allowed that view to do to my desire to take
care of me. I know that depression is
real and it can cause serious a disconnects in how you see yourself and what is
real, but that is not what I'm dealing with.
